It’s been months since I wrote here. It’s fair to say that my gratitude journaling has also found its way down the commode.
Could I start off with an apology if that’s okay? I know, I know. I’ve been told too many times to not apologise one too many times, but what else does one do when you disappear without explanations?
The funny thing is that my apology doesn’t even have a solid explanation. Why did I even disappear? There is even nothing to romanticise about disappearing in your own home as many of us have this year. It’s been waves – not the waves we discuss in the news these days – but waves of mental and physical well-being. We are told that we shouldn’t apologise for these waves either but still, I am sorry if these waves caused anyone any distress. I’m not going to lie. It’s been a different, difficult time. I find it terrible to even write that line because I admit that others have it worse off than I do. I have so many things to be grateful for. I still have a paying job with no pay cuts (due to existing budget allocations); my house is great; family is well; WiFi is weak – but then that seems to be a common concern for all. I’m sorry for complaining about my first world life (in a third world country) and problems but it is what it is.
Still, gratitude has been hard to come by despite it all. I don’t know the reasoning behind it, but it has been. It’s been trying. Some days feel like the longest. The others feel like the shortest. I find it difficult to make my time productive all the time. The information overload gets to me sometimes.
And I think that’s when I decided to switch off.
From what I could obviously and that included this space that I had nourished, nurtured and fine-tuned for so long. This also included some relationships in my life. I did the bare minimum to get by and diverted the remaining energy I had to my work. Not as though it came easy, but it happened and took some form. I did run into trouble there, at work, not going to lie, for putting in my bare minimum and as I said, I didn’t even have a good enough explanation as to why it happened.
But here we are.
While writing this I like to think that I am getting some semblance of myself and things are starting to look up again. ish. It’s still difficult and the end of the year blues have begun to take form but what else do we do but soldier on to another day?
How have you been? Please tell me and I’m so sorry that I have neglected you for so long. I hope this year has been kind to you and if it hasn’t, I hope you are able to find some peace.
Just to also let you know that I am writing letters (actual letters that come in the post!) for anyone who would want one. If you would like one, please do email me on firstname.lastname@example.org with your full name, address and if there is anything specific you would want me to address in the letter – this is not mandatory, if it isn’t there I will write you a general letter of hope? 🙂
Also, just wanted to say thank you to you, and maybe to me too, for going on for this long. I don’t know what else we are expected to do but perhaps this is all part of the process and a bigger plan we are yet to make sense of.
Until I write to you again,