Yesterday’s ramblings

Hi, how’s your end of the year stress going? Are the feelings and emotions still in place? How is that gnawing sense of anxiety that’s eating you up from the inside? The very same that you don’t know is there but manifests in the form of a stomach ache, splitting headache (might even be a solid migraine) and sometimes, certain bouts of loneliness.

That’s something new I’ve learnt this time around too. And maybe something I’m still not comfortable enough to talk about, loneliness. Perhaps another post, another time, when we are ready.

I don’t know how it works for you but for me, the stress of it all occurs when I’m least expecting it or better, least ready for it. While sitting in traffic listening to Christmas music or while in the shower, as I make a list of things to do. It starts as it has for the past few years, a piercing pain on my left shoulder blade that makes it way up to the hairline on my neck and sometimes all the way down to my fingers on my left hand. If it’s bad, the pain also occurs in the same intensity on my right hand. I’ve done my fair share of physiotherapy (I haven’t really had the time to go back after the trek) but I think it’s time to start on it again.

But how are you, really? Not what you tell the world or post about on social media, but really. Have you asked yourself this question lately? If no one is asking you and you can’t ask yourself, I am asking you, so please tell me, how have you been?

On this end of things, honestly, it has been difficult. There have been all sorts of emotions coming to light and I think the mountains opened up some valves I had I thought I’d seal shut years ago.

I’ve also had some time on my hands and at the same time not as much, and either way, I find myself drifting at aforementioned situations and moments. It hasn’t been all too fun.

Have you had time to reflect yet? I’ve seen my friends have been doing a bit of it these last few days of December and I’m so grateful that I get to read what they share with me and learn more about the people I hold so dear. But, yes, like I said, difficult. I’m constantly reminded of my blessings and privileges yes, and this is by no means a complaint, yet my overthinking self cannot help but also think that this life might be harder for some than others. Things don’t work out how you would want them to and as a ‘control freak’ (as I’ve learnt increasingly about this trait of mine in 2019) it can be frustrating. When you lose control of everything you felt was held together, by a single thread, you. You take on a burden that shouldn’t have been yours in the first place and then bear that burden probably with hopes that you will carry the cross, which you will be nailed to before going to Heaven. Or not. Not all of us work with such intentions and sometimes all of this comes from the best of places, yet not everyone sees the world as you do honey.

So do all of us a favour and give others a little less and give yourself a bit more in 2020. The world is a terrible place and you have to look out for yourself, your mental stability and most importantly, hold all of it, together. And if you can’t do it for you, no one else can.

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